I am really gun shy or almost afraid of anything that minimizes power displays and realities.
Having lived most of my life surviving so well as a minority, it is now my turn to truly live and not survive. No longer do I want to minimize my feelings, hurts, dreams and fears away. But instead, I want to feel it all without making excuses for those who may not understand or worse yet, for those who must truncate my emotions in order to avoid what my feelings may infer about them.
In these last few months, I am so aware of the degrees of pain that I have had shuffled under the table for the sake of harmony , and some times for the sake of spirituality. As I continue to listen to other minorities’ stories, I also get absorbed into their dismays which causes me to relive mine. It has been an emotional journey that has caught me by surprise. It is at times so frightening or so charged that I wonder about the power that it has over me.
Is this power good? Is it for revenge? Is it cynism that comes from betrayal? Is it basic distrust? It has made me wonder if I need to relive the various horrors and have Jesus reassure me of his presence and love. From there, I will find wisdom and truth of how to live. (Psalm 51:6)
For now, I am not comfortable with being myself. I am gun shy! For now, I think I need to live and stay in the pain before I move on too quickly which is my past defense mechanism for survival. What I need is to truly live and feel all of this with God and let him speak to my uneasy self.