I could not believe it. Why was God doing this to me? Here I am an Asian American being trained in mediating conflict. And who is my assigned co-mediator for our 2 hour conflict role play? A 78 year old godly woman who is dominant and a professional psychologist who had practiced marriage counseling at our church for over 8 years. I was grateful to work alongside with her. But the irony of it all was that her counseling approach was actually a disservice to her and us as we sought to facilitate reconciliation with the parties involved in the case.

Why, God?
Do you want me to learn again how to speak up? But I am so Asian, I hesitate more since she is older and learned and experienced. I was truly struggling to say things to her…
I was tongue tied….I was taken back. I had to figure out the nice way to call a caucus with her so we could be on the same page. How do I gently tell her that her methods were very judgmental? How do I have the heart to tell her what I really feel. I felt stifled.

Later on as I reflect over that moment, I got upset at God. Why God, why indeed? It is not fun to be AA sometimes. I was also reminded of times when I would be like that dear old lady…where I was the older one with younger leaders. And I recalled how in those scenarios, because I am so American, I would defer as well so that I could also empower younger leaders leading with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks….it feels like I am always deferring….be it to younger or older leaders….

It almost feels like being Asian American is not working for me. By my Asian self, I naturally defer to older people. By my American self, I naturally defer to younger people so as to not misuse my power with them. I don’t abdicate influence; but I use that power to accept these younger leaders and believe in them. From the world’s perspective, being AA feels kind of like I lose in both scenarios. I was a bit bothered by this as I discussed this with God.

But once I went into his sanctuary, I was reminded of how in God’s economy that you have to lose your life to gain it. Really, in both of these situations that God puts me in…I get to love people the way he would want me to. I get to truly not think of myself as I often do…but to love others while respecting them without losing myself. And loving others is always winning for God…He gets the glory….

So, I am not so mad at God any more….I am glad I am me…AA and all.

There I was all nervous about a very important meeting. I was trying to prepare; almost like a lawyer…since it was so important. I was writing and writing to sort through my thoughts.
Ring…it was my friend S calling to check in with me. She wanted to know how I was feeling about that morning’s meeting. She also called so she could pray for me. So, she did over the phone.

I was feeling good and very at peace having been prayed for by her. Ring, ring…another call?
It was another friend named S. He was calling from another time zone. He was my pastoral friend…he had been with me this whole year….giving my pep talks and attending to my soul.
He also wanted to call to pray with me. So, he did on the phone.

I went back into my prep work for my difficult conversation. Then, it happened!!
That moment when I sensed God’s presence…I felt God’s whisper of his still voice.
He told me: Look, M, you are busy prepping for a meeting. But you are so loved and supported by such caring friends. You are really gifted with much from me. The greatest gift you have is your friendships of support that I have given you! Relax and trust me and trust that they are all rooting for you as well. (Of course, they were rooting for me…I knew that!)

That same moment, the feeling that dawned on me was one of compassion. I started feeling for others who may go into similar difficult situations in life and yet, they know not that support from friends. I began to feel for those who know not of the love of God via the saints who are true friends. Right then and there, I felt this surge of power and security or confidence that I knew not of if not for God and the love of his people. It goes to show you that a person can do anything if he or she knows that she is deeply loved.

What a difference!